Monday, September 21, 2009
My Advice for New Parents
1) When your baby cries for milk, walk... don't RUN!
When my husband used to go to get a bottle for my newborn daughter, I literally used to yell at him, "Hurry! Faster!" Now I have two demanding little narcissists who think they are royalty. Would you like a foot massage with that lightly salted buttered popcorn?
2) Never ever let your preschoolers listen to the soundtrack from Rent.
Unless you want two little imps running around the house screaming in unison: This is weird. F*cking weird!
3) Whatever makes your life easier at the time is sure to come to back and bite you.
It might seem like a good idea to lie down on the floor next to your child's crib and stay there until she is asleep to avoid an hour of bloodcurdling screams, but DON'T DO IT! Likewise, do not drive them around to get them to take a nap, and whatever you do, do NOT buy them a toy to shut them up while you are running errands.
I keep telling David, "If we had a third, it would be so much easier this time around. I wouldn't make all the mistakes I made with the first two."
His response is always the same: You can have as many kids as you want. Just find a different husband.