Monday, September 21, 2009

My Advice for New Parents


1) When your baby cries for milk, walk... don't RUN!

When my husband used to go to get a bottle for my newborn daughter, I literally used to yell at him, "Hurry! Faster!" Now I have two demanding little narcissists who think they are royalty. Would you like a foot massage with that lightly salted buttered popcorn?

2) Never ever let your preschoolers listen to the soundtrack from Rent.

Unless you want two little imps running around the house screaming in unison: This is weird. F*cking weird!

3) Whatever makes your life easier at the time is sure to come to back and bite you.

It might seem like a good idea to lie down on the floor next to your child's crib and stay there until she is asleep to avoid an hour of bloodcurdling screams, but DON'T DO IT! Likewise, do not drive them around to get them to take a nap, and whatever you do, do NOT buy them a toy to shut them up while you are running errands.


I keep telling David, "If we had a third, it would be so much easier this time around. I wouldn't make all the mistakes I made with the first two."

His response is always the same: You can have as many kids as you want. Just find a different husband.

15 comments:

Natalie said...

Oh, it's funny 'cause it's true. I have three and I can tell you I made WAY more mistakes with the first one than the third... but she also got a lot more attention.

Kim said...

*raises hand in shame....Guilty, Guilty, and Guilty!*

I needed this advice a few years ago. Now it's too late for me too. May I add 2 more?...

* Don't release your screaming toddler from the stroller to walk around a store no matter how many dirty looks you get from onlookers. She'll never get back in and you'll be chasing her under clothing racks until you leave in frustration empty handed.

* Don't make your older child give up a toy or seat to your younger one. She will pitch a fit every time she wants her way and BOTH of your children will wind up crying in the end instead of just one.

taralazar said...

HA!

Don't feed your child buttered pasta when they won't eat anything else...because they will demand buttered pasta for every meal for the rest of their life!

P.S. Gorgeous pic of the kids. Looks like it's from a magazine!

Anna C. Morrison said...

Too funny! And it's true. Even as they get older, they demand that special service. It's really hard to break the habit.

MG Higgins said...

Ha! What great advice.

Kelly H-Y said...

You are hilarious! That is a beyond-adorable picture of them, by the way!

Karen Amanda Hooper said...

No kids in my immediate future, but my co-worker just announced today that she is pregnant with her first. So I will pass a long the tips! ;)

Jacqui said...

Too true. And let me add to Kim's: do not release your child from anything (car seat, stroller, high chair). Ever.

Kate Karyus Quinn said...

LOL on listening to read. It wasn't until I had a child that I realized how much of the music I enjoy has lyrics in it that I don't want him repeating!

Hardygirl said...

I don't know, we've got that third one, and you'd think we'd have it figured out . . . but we're just too worn out to make the effort.

She pretty much runs the household, and we're all terrified of her.

sf

Rebecca said...

Words of wisdom from one who learned from experience!

hytime said...

Hey, pussycat, we did all those things for you -- except playing "Rent", only because it wasn't out yet.
Love,
Dad

Rebecca said...

My husband is currently calling our third "Baby 3.0 Gold Edition." When my midwife asked if this was a planned pregnancy, I told her, "Yes, we're trying to perfect the process."

wordwranglernc said...

hahah!! Love the advice and I concur. :) I have three girls (5, 7 and 12). We made some of the mistakes you mentioned with the first one as she was the only baby for about 5 years. We certainly learned our lesson! :) Maybe your sage advice will save others! :)

peace,
Donna

Lindsay said...

SO FUNNY!! On number four, we're feeling...beat! ;)